Illusions and Hard Days

This is my third hard day in a row. I have been struggling since Sunday. Everyone close to me knows that I have had a trip to Washington D.C. and New York this last month. A great trip! I have moved into a beautiful new home. All amazing blessing! I have been on the go since the end of April. Almost non stop. Her in lies some things that bring me trouble. See the illusion is that wonderful things are happening and I am thrilled. Well I should be thrilled, anything less is selfish and ungrateful. This really isn't about my husband making me happy or anyone else for that matter. I am thankful! This is about me from the inside. I had a huge hard time leaving my children for as long as I did to go on the American Heritage Tour. God provided and everything went well! Even though things go well, there is always a coming back integrations that must happen with kids. Things that you miss they save up and it comes pouring into existence when you return. I think Ava talked nonstop for about four days. I'm glad she wanted to tell her Mommy everything. It seems they save up their crying to, because we have had lots and lots of fits. Then, there is the becoming Mommy again. When being alone for almost two weeks, then coming back to parenting four children. That is just hard! Maybe that is one of the reasons we shouldn't be away from they! We were only back one day before we started moving our home from Saint Cloud to Kissimmee. It was a lot to do and again another shift in my universe. While I have been wanting to move for about three years I had lived in the home for eight years. I was comfortable in a way. I knew where everything was and how it worked. I was in a bit of turmoil and my daughter Addi kept having spells of emotion about leaving. She was brought from the hospital to this house. So, hard to comfort when your trying to pack and comfort her little heart. I'm not sure I did the greatest job. We had lots and lots to do, but had some great helpers! The day was a bit rainy and very tiring! Can I just stop right now and say I have never dealt well with change or disappointment. Nope, I have to work on those two things every day amongst other weaknesses. Side note...Leading into the American heritage Tour and Moving we had lots of ups and downs whether we were actually going to move or not.Back and forth dealing with the seller and our realtor! Just one of these thing alone would have been enough to completely stress me out, but GOD sustained me and our family. He has been with me. The illusion, I could handle it all without any consequences. Haha! So, I must tell you I have really high standards too and I really need some order in my life. I went full blast for about four days getting all of our stuff in order and things hung on the wall at the new house. I stayed up late and woke up early. I worked hard all during the afternoons. The house got there quickly.Yet, it didn't seem like enough. It's easier to move from a small house to a bigger one. Here is where my inward struggle began. I think it's a generation curse. I want to snap my fingers and my home to be a home. Cute, Clean, Painted, well put together. PRIDEFUL! Yep! Instead, the water heater had to be replaced, the shower head blew off, the 2nd AC needed to be replaced, and all the little things that commonly come with a older home happened and continue to happen. The house set for over 2 years without use. I keep losing things because all my hooks aren't hung up yet. So, I have lost my keys today. I can't figure out how to supply three bathrooms with towels, shampoo, and soap. Clean the dishes without a dishwasher and live with out my normal. I got used to all my shops in Saint Cloud, I knew how long it would take me to get from here to there. The stores were clean and Saint Cloud is slower. Now, upon my request to God to move I feel uprooted even though we haven't moved far. I don't know where my stores are and I don't know how long it's going to take me. Things are at a quicker pace and the culture is different. So, even though I only moved 20 minutes I feel like I have moved to another state in a way. During this time, I finished school and all the college students left for the summer. So, I feel people-less. Another illusion is that I am a busy person. While I always have things going on, I'm not busy. I love people and I want to be around them. I have to balance this feeling of loneliness, with my introverted way of wanting some time to myself. So, as I write I am conflicted. Unbalanced. Grateful. Sad. Questioning. Afraid that all this that I have written will be taken wrong. I love that God has answered our longing prayers to move and we have this amazing house to use for hospitality! I just feel displaced. Wondering if I can be the kind of woman God is calling me to be. I desire kindness, compassion, warmth, love. I want to be those attribute to others. To knock satan to the ground and conquer his tries to attack me with GOD's protective armor. While I want so desperately to be whole heartedly thankful, I am struggling today with the little things. To add to the mix my body is not cooperating physically or emotionally. I am beyond tired and a bit weary form all that has happened. Yet, I do not know how to switch gears. Asking God's wisdom. Which, maybe is the key to the whole thing. Feeling like laying face down in front of the throne. Hoping that in my inward struggle, I will find rest in just being. ~ Shannon